Countdown and out

Eight years ago BBC Birmingham relocated from Pebble Mill to the Mailbox. BBC boss Greg Dyke enthused staff with the benefits of the move, using catchy slogans such as Project Countdown and Making It Happen. It turned out to be the trumpeting of a white elephant.

Pebble Mill had plenty of studios and a nominal rent. The Mailbox has a swanky city-centre location. Sadly, the joys of sharing a wind-tunnel with Harvey Nicks have not compensated for spiralling costs and the loss of studio space. My sources tell me the Beeb has now decided to close BBC Birmingham (who’d have guessed it) and move things to Bristol.

I wrote a piece at the time of the move from Pebble Mill, which a friend proposed to post on a Tolkien fan website. It may be there (I haven’t looked) but it is certainly here.

One Ring

Obi Nobi knocked the scroll out of the flames with his stick.  “You see,” he said, “it cannot be destroyed so easily.” 

He carefully unrolled the parchment, and read out the mystic words which appeared.

“One ring to fax them all, two rings to phone them.”

“But what can it mean?” exclaimed Beebo.

“It’s part of a longer document called Project Countdown,” replied Obi.

“Project Countdown!  It sounds exciting and awesome,” said Beebo, wide-eyed.

“It is,” nodded Obi.  “It is thrusting and innovative.”  And a strange stillness came over the room as the old man, as if in a trance, recited the words:

            Four for the nation’s favourite Aunt;

            Three for her emergence from the Age of Stone;

            Two for Public Service with a nice new slant;

            One for the Dyke Lord on his Dyke Throne -

            In the land of Mailbox where the studios aren’t.

            One ring to fax them all, two rings to phone them,

            One call to axe them all and have the exit shown them,

            In the land of Mailbox where the studios aren’t.

“Gosh,” whispered Beebo, suitably impressed.

“As you so succinctly express it: Gosh,” said Obi Nobi.  “We don’t quite know what it all means, but it is clearly a prophecy of some sort, and we are committed to making it happen.”

“Whatever it is,” said Beebo.

“Whatever it is,” agreed Obi. 

“There’s just one thing - ”  began Beebo hesitantly.

“And what is that?”

“What does the W stand for?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The notice on your door,” explained Beebo.  “It says: Obi W. Nobi.  I’ve always wondered: what does the W stand for?”

“Some things it is better not to ask,” said Obi Nobi.